The alcoholic should be considered an ill person.  The american medical association and many other authorities the world over have determined that the alcoholic suffers from an illness over which he or she has no control.  Alcoholism is not caused by weakness of the will, immorality or a desire to hurt others.

For each person having an alcohol or other drug related problem, it is estimated that there are four others close to that person who have problems in their own lives.  These people are called "co-dependents".  The problems they face come about as the result of dealing with the stress of caring about, loving, or working closely with the alcoholic.  Frequently such persons will deny their own problems, or seek help from well-meaning friends.  Unfortunately these sources of aid usually have not been trained in how to deal with alcohol or drug related problems.  They may suggest major changes in the family or job setting in response to an immediate crisis.  However, these changes may actually allow the underlying problem to worsen.  Marriages end in divorce, employers fire workers, and children grow up without an understanding of how to relate well with others.

Today, many of the experts in the field of alcohol and drug problems regard co-dependency as a problem in its own right.  In fact, the symptoms of co-dependency may be quite similar to those of alcoholism.  Resentment, guilt, anger, fear and lack of ability to express affection may be present. 

They may become devastating forces in the lives of those affected.  Such individuals need help in addressing their own problems in a helpful manner.

Specifically the co-dependent person needs to learn to avoid the following:

1.  Making excuses for or otherwise covering up for the problem drinker.

2.  Nagging the drinker regarding failure to control his or her drinking.

3.  Making it financially possible for the drinker to continue drinking by supporting the person's habit or by loaning money that may allow the drinker to continue.

4.  Changing one's own routine or responsibilities in order to accommodate the inappropriate behavior of the alcoholic.

5.  Lying to the alcoholic or others in order to rationalize or justify the alcoholic's behavior.

In order to learn how to live with an alcoholic, family members and others closely involved wi

th him or her are encouraged to join al-anon.  Al-anon is a voluntary self-help support group.  It is similar in philosophy and structure to alcoholics anonymous.  It is; however, designed to address the unique needs of the alcoholic's loved ones and other co-dependents.  Al-anon groups are listed in the telephone directory.  They are most efficient at providing shared understanding and experiences from other alcoholic's family members.  In addition the knowledge and basic skills needed to cope with alcoholism are developed.  Many al-anon groups also welcome people whose loved ones use drugs other than or in addition to alcohol.

The al-anon family groups are wives, husbands and other relatives and friends of alcoholics.  The members are sympathetic and well informed.  They have first-hand knowledge of problems like yours because they have them too!

Don't wait for the alcoholic to seek help before you take action on your own behalf.  Anyone who is close to an alcoholic is under constant emotional strain and pressure.  They need help to relieve these.  Nothing will give you greater relief than the understanding and warm-hearted counsel found in an al-anon family group.  There you will learn to "live with an alcoholic" as one wife put it.  The conversations with people who share your problems will help you understand that the alcoholic is sick and needs help.  This knowledge will comfort you and make it possible for you to begin helping the alcoholic as well.

It may take a severe crisis to convince the alcoholic that he or she needs help.  That crisis may come in the form of an accident, arrest or loss of a job.  Steel yourself against coddling and over-protectiveness at such a time.  The crisis may be necessary for the recovery.  Do nothing to prevent such a crisis from happening.  Don't cover the bad checks, pay overdue bills or go to bat with the boss.  The suffering you are trying to ease by such actions may be the very thing needed to bring the alcoholic to a realization of the seriousness of the situation. 

In order to initiate help for your loved one call any alcohol treatment program and ask whether they give professional guidance for coordinated intervention.  Most programs will provide this service free of charge.  Coordinated intervention is a means of helping the alcoholic see the results of his or her actions while in a supportive environment.  It's been very successful in starting alcoholics on the path to recovery.

In any case, co-dependents need to separate themselves from their loved ones' disease.  It is possible for them to maintain stable lives, whether or not their alcoholic family member enters treatment.